Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Needs vs Frustration

I've been reading some blogs that seem to be in the same boat as me. Maybe this will help somebody.

I haven't shared a lot of personal life here because, well, it's personal! But here goes: 2008 was, by far, the WORST year of my life. My kid's lives were so heavily impacted that for 2 months I waivered on the brink of needing to be put into a mental institution. I've always felt I was born to be a Mom and I take that job very seriously. My kids mean the world to me. So when they hurt, I hurt too. The enormousness of what happened was so huge it was crushing.

Then, my career suffered blow after blow after blow and the fall out of that is still impacting us. Then, a dear, dear friend was killed in a freak accident doing what he loved (he died with a smile on his face and that gave me peace.) Less than a week later, another friend was killed. In October, my chronic illness went beserk due to the stress (it's in remission when I remain stress free) but with all that was going on, I wasn't able to stave off the flare up. It nearly put me back in the hospital.

But, I survived it all and now am sweeping up the pieces of my shattered life and trying to figure out what to do next.

I was hunting in the library for a book when I saw this one: The Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Miedaner. What caught my eye was a small note about take the quiz inside. I like these kinds of quizzes - they often give insight or confirm what you may have already known. If you want to take the quiz, here's a link to her site. (As an aside, I didn't read the subtitle close enough - the book is about getting the relationship you want - a dating book. *ahem* I'm married - but there still is good info in the book that can be applied to any relationship.)

My results were as I already know:

1) Need for Peace
2) Need to be Heard
3) Need for Control
4) Need to be Independent

What does it mean? Discovering my needs isn't anything new, but what she says is that if you can find out how to meet your needs yourself, you will stop looking to other people to fulfill them and you won't be as disappointed or frustrated. Hmmmm, she may have a point there.

Last year, I wasn't in control of anything that happened. I had to learn to roll with life and stop fighting for control. Everything that happened was completely out of my hands. I had to find other outlets for my control needs. My Peace was blown to the winds. No longer did I have refuge in my job or in my home - there was chaos everywhere I went. And, through it all, I felt like no one was listening to me/us. It took nearly 8 months before we found an advocate for us and we are finally on the road to recovery.

I guess my point is this: know who you are and what you need. If your needs aren't being met, you know it. You'll feel frustrated and angry. You are unsettled and everything seems so hard. But, life isn't meant to be hard, IMHO. Keep looking, keep fighting. You will find the solution. It just might take some time.


Lanny said...

I found the ultimate soulution to life's struggle and have not struggled unnecessarily or hopelessly since. If you would like to know more please email me, my email is in my profile.

ChristyACB said...

I'm so sorry to hear all this was going on! Based on your 4 things, the kind of stuff you dealt with last year would be the ultimate in challenges to be able to deal with! And you got them all at once.

I'm so glad you are on the way to regaining your peace of mind. I dread when I lose mine, especially when I have no control whatsoever in the matter.

Patrice Farmer said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. It can be very hard at times living life. I lost one best friend, I can't imagine losing two and the other stresses along with a serious illness. I wish you the best!!!

Amy ~ 12 Acres said...

I can sooooo relate to what you've said. 2008 was the worst year of my life too. But you can't give up. You just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

fullfreezer said...

Oh, I hope things are looking up for you. I had a year like that a few years ago (2006) but out of it I am now a much stronger person, our marriage is much stronger and I have learned that I can be quite resilient. It definitely wasn't easy but I figure that if I can get through that I can survive anything. Hang in there.

ATW said...

Thanks for sharing Melissa; sometimes we tend to feel that we are the only ones dealing with adversities in our lives and when I hear experiences like yours I realize that there are other people like myself who are overcoming difficulties everyday.

Melissa ~ Wife to 1, Mom to 5 said...

Lanny ~ Yes, I know exactly where you are coming from and I'm there too. I usually wake up at 4 or 5 am every day. I used to be annoyed, but now I know it's my time for meditation and prayer. This post has been on my mind for several weeks now. I felt like I better post it as it kept coming up in prayer time. :)

ChristyABC ~ I am regaining my peace. Just trying to figure out what to do with myself now that so much has changed. I have to and I'm a little lost. :)

Patrice ~ Thank you, as always. :)

Amy ~ I think I gave up in November and finally found my way back in January. You are so right - it's just one step at a time, sometimes I'm walking, sometimes I'm crawling and sometimes, I'm being carried, but moving forward. Thanks.

Judy ~ Thank you. I'm looking at all the silver linings and the blessings. There is so much to be thankful for and strength and resiliance are 2 things on my gratitude list.

ATW ~ I can't imagine what you've gone thru, just by reading your blog, I know it's been stressful and traumatic. Thanks for stopping by.

And, to Janelle who sent the email - I'll email you back and thanks. I know you know that I'm here for you too.