Monday, June 1, 2009

Etched In Stone

Yesterday, in my fine town, a man walked in to a church and shot another man, in the forehead. He killed a husband, a father of 4 and a grandfather of 10. He killed Dr. George Tiller. An abortion doctor.

No matter which side of the issue you are, this post isn't open to debate.

It is, however, my story. A deeply personal one.

Have you ever heard the theory that we are all born with a chalkboard? Everytime something is said to you, good or bad, it gets recorded. Sometimes, the writing fades over time if you don't hear it enough. Other times, what's said over and over eventually gets etched in, deeper and deeper until it makes you who you are.

I believe this. I've struggled for years to erase things on my slate that others thought about me and said to me, things I know to be untrue. But, there are some things that are etched so deeply, there isn't enough spackle to fill in the fissures.

On an ordinary summer day, when I was nine, my mother turned to me and casually said,

"Did you know that you were supposed to be aborted?"

My earth stopped and I was in some kind of a vacuum. What? What did she say?

"Yes," she went on, "your dad only wanted one child, so when he found out I was pregnant with you, he wanted to have you aborted, but I said no."

She went on to say that there was a doctor who was in agreement. Supposedly there was a sonogram showing me as having no arms or legs - just a torso and head. This was used to try to convince her that an abortion was a good idea.

Knowing the narcissist that is my mother, I wonder if she said it for shock factor (probably) or to get me to hate my birth father (probably), to garner sympathy (of course) or to hurt me.

I didn't know how to respond. I mean, I was 9 and I just heard that I was unwanted and should have been dead. What do you say to that?!?!

Over the years, she has said it a few more times, each time, forgetting that she'd already told me. Everytime I heard it, it etched deeper, and deeper. She even said it to me during my pregnancies.

Had I been aborted, I would not be here. My five wonderful, delightful, blessings from God would not be here.

When I hear the word Abortion, it etches this even deeper into my soul.

I wasn't wanted. I wasn't supposed to be alive. The pregnancy was to have been terminated. I was to have been terminated. Eliminated.


I believe that every human is on earth for a reason. It's up to each person to make their own choices and discover what they need to. I'm not here to judge. What you choose is your business.

I just wonder, who was eliminated, by choice? What futures will never be?

I don't wish to open this up to discussion or debate. Yesterday, my world was a firestorm of personal opinions and debates and I sat by, quietly watching, listening and praying.

All I ask, is if you have people in your life that you care about, look deep into their eyes and see what has been written on their slate. See what's been etched and what you can help to erase. It's never too late to change the slate.